Live. Learn. Listen.

21 Weeks - 21 Chances to Grow


October 31, 2017

Through adulthood, I remember one of the first concepts learned about being a man was that I had to remain strong at all times.  Showing emotions was equivalent to weakness.  For years I continued to believe that this principle was accurate and never would allow myself proper time to deal with my emotions.  To others I was numb and strong because I didn’t allow the stress of life to get to me.  In reality I was hurting.  I was just so great at masking the pain that no one ever felt the need to inquire about the status of my psyche and mental state.

Until I broke down. 

Always being looked at as the one “whose got it all situated” or “is calm and collective at all times” was great in the sense that I loved being around to help my loved ones and closest friends solve their own problems.  On the other hand, the feeling of thinking I have the answers for everyone else aside from myself continued to eat away at me for years.  It’s astonishing how on the surface, what other people view as success and progress depending on your physical and mental state, can internally cause depression.  I felt like I was an underachiever.  I wish I had more means to help my family out financially and be closer to them physically.  I wish that I had made changes in my past to healthily impact my relationships whether romantically or platonic.  I wish that I wasn’t lazy and pursued wholeheartedly some things I loved like music or basketball. I felt like I was no where near where I imagined I should be at the age of 26.  

Years would pass and I had glimpses of these feelings but always told myself “it could be worse” or “stop bitching about these issues because I’m blessed”, when in reality the solution to handling these pains and inner struggles was to let it out. I will never be able to change my past.  However, I don’t feel like I was/ am as much of a terrible person or failure I have made myself out to be.  And instead of dwelling about this unchangeable past, it was time to acknowledge, accept it and use it as a driving force to change my present and future for the better.  Suppressing these thoughts, emotions and feelings was eating me alive.  When I realized this, I knew it was time to let it out and healthily prepare myself to stop thinking that as a man I can’t express my emotions.  Here I stand on a new journey of self revelation in which I am determined to strive for 100% honesty and transparency.  The music will be my main source of expression and I’ve learned to accept that feelings and emotions are out of our control, but a healthier base and mental state will place me in a better position.  Check out my post for week 6 in which premieres my “Emotional” series.  I’ll be venting about random thoughts that I struggle with internally hopefully to ignite some thoughts/ the ability to relate within my listeners and generate a platform to release what’s suppressed. 

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